That’s all I really have to say about Idol. I kind of hope they cancel it after this season. I’m just not into it as much anymore. I think the contestants this season are lame, and I don’t get excited to watch it anymore. Seeing Simon every week is my only motivation to watch it.

Something tells me that even after Cowell leaves the show, some idiot executive at Fox is going to come up with a spreadsheet that convinces them to do it for ONE more dreadful, money-making season, just to prove to everyone that it’s dead.

Let’s start with the good moments: Casey James.

This was his best performance of the season.  He’s intensely connected to the music, and the vocals were very, very good.

Now, for the weird… Lee Dwyze.

Lee started out singing one of my favorite songs, Hey Jude.  He had some pitchy moments (really pitchy), and I was just going to chalk it up to an ‘off night’ for him, then we get to the boring chorus of Hey Jude and a green streak of light appears down the Seacrest vanity staircase:

As the camera angle changes and a figure starts descending the staircase, I’m become confused, shocked and then a bit appalled:

It’s a piper!

Lee Dwyze, in his top 9 performance, has chosen to share the stage with a piper.

No, he’s not singing Amazing Grace.  No, he’s not singing a Scottish folk song.  He’s singing “Na-na-na nananana, nananana, Hey Jude”.  The piper is playing the equivalent of chopsticks on the pipes (no background chords, just fingering along with the melody of the chorus).

As the piper settles next to Lee, I make a startling realization…

This is the oddest thing I’ve ever seen on American Idol.

Yes.  Odder than Ruben’s win over Clay Aiken, odder than anything we’ve seen on the Golden Idols, odder than a man in a bikini, and odder than almost everything Adam Lambert ever did (including that hideous costume he wore when he sang with Meatloaf).

It was the definition of awkward and out-of-place.

Here are my picks:

Lee

Lee is all right.  Fireflies wasn’t a natural pick for him, but he made the sale.  I think he’ll make it through.

Alex (aka Mullet Man)

I love this guy.  He is by far my favorite guy on AI right now.  He is so honest and natural.  He owns the mullet and gets up there and really sings.

Tim

In three short weeks, Tim has made one of the biggest turn arounds in Idol history.  His first week on this show sounded like something that would have kept him out of American Idol in the first round audition. Then he comes back and gives a decent performance this week on a really tough song.  I still think as a total package he doesn’t have the pipes to go the distance, but maybe he does deserve to be here one more week.

Andrew

This dude came into idol as the most hyped guy, and with the most to lose.  He is making a slight recovery with tonight’s performance.  I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to put him into the Top 12.  He is definitely a unique artist, I’m just not sure he has built enough credibility to get him through one more week.

Casey

I really like this song.  It’s not a song I know, but he was very connected to it and it was interesting.  One thing I will give him, he knows how to sell it.  He’s been selling it since he got on the show, and I think we’ve all been buying a little too much of it, too.

Aaron

Wow… weird vibrato at the beginning in his lower register… kind of awkward.  The whole song was a bit awkward for me, actually.  I thought it was the wrong song choice for him.  Sitting was weird.  He didn’t seem connected to the song at all, and was totally out of the groove of the song during most of it.  He just kind of gyrated around the stage uncomfortably.  Poor guy.  I thought it was his worst performance yet.

Todrick

This was Todrick’s last chance.  He has two strikes against him… and he figured it out.  Somehow.  I don’t know how.  I was kind of hoping he tanked so he would give us at least one easy, no-brainer to vote off tomorrow.  Now who am I going to put in the bottom?!?!  Arg!

Big Mike

Call me a killjoy, but I’m not jumping on the Big Mike Bandwagon so quickly. I thought the first part was rough.  He kind of made it work in the middle and toward the end, but the way he was moving around made me a little nauseous and actually made it lose a lot of the impact it could have had. It just seemed desperate rather than engaging. I could tell he was into the song, but he didn’t really take me along with him, nor do I know why the song is so important to him.  All in all, the original was much better, and I don’t think he did it any favors.  

Now, I’m obviously totally against the judges here, but I really don’t get what the judges saw that I didn’t see… it must have been something in that performance. Let’s take another look?

OK.  Quick poll.  What did you think?  Best performance of the season?  Really?

Compared to this guy?

I dunno…

Conclusion:

So… this was a tough one.  Based on tonight only I have to say: Aaron and Andrew get the boot.  Based on everything, I hope it’s Todrick and Tim.  I would even throw Andrew in there.  I wouldn’t be heartbroken if he were out.  At any rate, they are the ones I’m not really interested in seeing in the Top 12.

Katie

Katie didn’t do herself any favors tonight.  I think her performance is quite forgettable, and I certainly have no compelling reason to vote for her.  She is in trouble!  The Kelly Clarkson song was just average.

Siobhan

There’s just something about Siobahn.  I don’t quite know what it is.  I don’t think her voice is that great in and of itself, but coupled with her quirky personality and her knack for picking songs that are great for showing off what she can do, she might have a winning combination.  She is certainly gliding into the top 12.

Lacey

Lacey pulled it out this week.  I’ve never been a big fan of the fake-ness of her high glam makeup or her way-too-bedhead-hair, but I thought she really created a moment for herself tonight and saved herself.  She should be in the top 12 based on that performance.

Katelyn

Katelyn really stepped in it.  A2 says her hair looks like a butt-crack.  I didn’t really notice it, but I did notice that her song was a step back from last week.  I thought last week (at the white piano) was a step in the right direction for her and that the judges were a little too critical of it.  This week, though she will be in trouble.

Didi

Didi totally SLAYED IT tonight!  She rocked the house.  She absolutely made up for the two awful weeks and awful song choices.  If she can keep strengthening from here, she could do all right in the top 12.

This totally deserves a video:

Paige

Paige’s version of Smile was a complete let down.  I thought she had a pretty good performance two weeks ago, and did OK last week.  She had “my woman” potential, but the terrible vocal and the appalling bossa nova arrangement of the song totally proved she has no clue what makes an incredibly delicate, intimate song like that great.  With that absolute blunder, she has completely lost my vote and confidence.  Nobody murders a song I like that much and gets away with it!  No one!

Crystal

Yeah, Crystal had another outstanding week, especially given the fact that she sang a song (Gimme One Reason) that has the signature of a song that someone might pick (because it’s a crowd pleaser) and totally sing a copycat/karaoke version.  Crystal brought her style and skill to it and did an all right job of it.

Here’s my deal with Crystal, though.  She’s starting to believe in herself a little too much, and she creeps me out a bit.  I mean, she sat down on her amp to get the judges feedback and then just sat there and nodded and smiled as if she was expecting the praise.  Simon was right to paint a huge target on her back, and I hope someone shoots for it and hits hard!

Lilly

I really didn’t like this, mostly because I don’t like Lilly’s voice and I really don’t like Patsy Cline.  It really just wasn’t my groove.  However, I thought Kara was absolutely correct in saying that somehow she miraculously made a Patsy Cline song sound current.  She should get a medal for that feat alone.

Conclusion:

Worst singers this week…

1. Paige
2. Katelyn
3. Katie

Todrick

The man does know how to work a stage.  I wasn’t a huge fan of the rework of the Brittany Spears song as his big breakout, mostly because there wasn’t a lot of singing in it.  Isn’t this a singing competition?  Wait – I forgot.  The music industry isn’t about singing anymore…

Aaron

You can tell he’s super nervous, but he kind of settled in vocally.  He has a great natural talent, but we’ll see how far he can get without maing himself look too stupid.  He obviously has no stage presence.  Perhaps he could attend the DASHM (David Archuleta School of Hand Movements)?  It was one of the better vocals we’ve heard so far.  This is one of those guys that will really benefit from being on this show and having to come and do this week after week.  We’ll just see if he can go the distance.

Oh yeah and BTW, Aaron is one of the few men on American Idol who is actually smaller than Ryan Seacrest.

Jermaine

I liked the effort.  I liked the connection to his song.  The vocals were a little rough in spots and made me cringe three times, though.  I thought it was a good song choice for him.

Tim

This guy is from Duncanville, just south of Dallas, so he’s a local boy.  But he bothers me.  I think it’s his pretty boy hair and his smile.  Oh well, I guess I’ll have to put my personal prejudice aside.  Apologize was completely the wrong song for his vocal ability.  He OBVIOUSLY has no control over the break from his chest voice into his falsetto.

Simon better watch out… Tim’s mammy and pappy probably have a shotgun in the back of the truck and might come after him.

Joe

All I can say is thank goodness for a hispanic brother who isn’t super creepy-deepy like Jorge Nunez from last year.  Glad Joe could represent my people!!  I liked the song for him.  Will it be memorable enough?  Maybe not.  But it had a good vibe.

Tyler

I’m worried about his chin.  He has a huge chin.  I’m not kidding, this kid’s chin is absolutely huge.  He might trip on it.  Or if his jaw comes out of its socket, it might take someone out.

The song was pretty cool, but doesn’t really show any vocal ability on his part.  The arrangement is kickin’ though!  Shout out to the band!  What was he wearing, though, with the purple scarf!  BARF!

Best comment of the night: Simon says it looks like you went to “pretend to be a rockstar school.”  Felt totally put on. Absolutely agree.

Lee

Great start for Lee!  Vocals were really good near the beginning, but kind of fell apart in the middle and just slightly out of tune at the end.  When I look at and listen to him, I keep thinking of David Cook.  I just can’t help myself.

John

I think the nerves got to John tonight, and the song choice didn’t help him at all.  Hmm… his train never quite left the awkward station.

Michael

Pet peeve time.  His lips keep touching the microphone!  GROSS!  I hope he is the ONLY one that uses that microphone.

Other than that, I think his performance was great.  Best of the night so far.  He came out with energy, thrilled the audience, sang the crap out of the song, and left everything he had and could do out on the stage.  By far the most successful total performance of the night.

Alex

OK… the mullet has GOT TO GO!  Someone please pin him down with some shears, PLEASE!  I mean, this mullet thing is worse than the Chin-guy’s wannabe afro.

So I thought that there were some moments of brilliance in the vocals.  It took him a while to get started, but in the middle there were some great things.  Of course, I wasn’t watching the TV, I was watching this screen and just listening.  So I didn’t see the awkwardness that Simon did.  I really hear something good in his voice.

Casey

Wow.  Most memorable performance of the night!  After tonight’s lackluster performances, he has set himself up as the guy to beat.  It looked like he didn’t even believe it in his eyes.

“I know we’re both models.” – Randy Jackson

Andrew

The verse was pretty good, but it kind of came apart in the chorus.  The performance was a little too pedestrian for me, as compared to the original, and for such a violent song as well.

Here are my first impressions of the girls.

Paige

Simon went out on a pretty long limb saying she had the best voice of all the girls, and that the girls were going to take the whole competition this year.  Now she’ll be fighting that pressure for the whole time.

She does have potential, though.  She has a pretty big voice, which gives her “mah wooooman” potential, but I really have to see her dump her soul out on stage or peel the paint off the walls to really earn that honor.

And let’s be honest… she’s no Syesha…

Ashley

Really, just a pretty face.  Didn’t seem like there was a lot of vocal talent there, and she chose the absolute wrong song.  The Leona Lewis song ate her for dinner.  Poor thing.

Janell

Is it just me or do they have auto-tune on her vocals?  And was she defying the auto-tune with completely awful, out-of-tune vocals?  Poop.  I think she’s pretty forgettable.

Lilly

Her style seems to overshadow her limited vocal ability.  I have a feeling we won’t hear any soaring vocals or up-on-your feet performances for her.  The arrangement was a little hoakie and a little too country-western for me, but she was the most connected to her performance for sure.

Katelyn

Ugh… I love the song.  I hate that she is dressed like a 3 dollar hooker from 1986, though.  I think she did a reasonable job singing, though.  I’m just not sure know who she is going to be in this competition.  Does she know?  Kara was right about her look and Randy was right that it was refreshing to hear a voice that was focused on tone rather than runs.

Haeley

Haeley was 8 years old when American Idol premiered.  Wow…  I’m old.

Her upper register is kind of screamy and screechy, and her lisp is a little distracting on the S’s.  Again, her upper register gets very flat and narrow, and could be used to do laproscopic surgery.

Lacey

I totally get what she is doing, but she’s just not quite there yet, though.  She can’t sit there and entrance me with those eyes.

Michelle

She does have a great look.  But the song wasn’t great.  In fact, I totally got distracted during her performance chatting with my mother-in-law on Facebook.

Didi

I don’t like the song choice because it is so distinctly the style of the original artist, so you can’t help but compare it.  And what is she wearing, a rug with sleeves?  I really don’t like this vocal style much.  Sorry. (“sorry” said in the style of Simon Cowell)

Siobhan

I liked it.  I like the attention to detail on the vocals.  I like her tone and how she really connected to the song.  It was ten times better than the other girls, just based on her totally believing what she is singing.  And she sang it well.

Crystal

Her intro video was epic: ‘I’m just here for the money’ she says… “momma needs a bigger paycheck.”  While she is completely a wreck to look at, she is pretty talented.  I really liked her song.  Her total performance was one of the best of the night.  Maybe the harmonica and guitar is a bit overkill – I mean… does she really need to do it all herself?  There’s a whole band over there, ya know.

Katie

Good intro.  Perhaps the most refined and consistent vocal tone of all the contestants.  She has a little more to learn about performing on a stage though, and you can tell she is still 17 from the immaturity of her performance.

Here is an epic Jimmy Fallon impersonation of Neil Young, singing the hit song PANTS ON THE GROUND!

P.S. In case you missed it, here is the original Pants on the Ground

Yes, you have to suffer through some really bad auditions.  Yes, you have to suffer through a lot of Simon and Ryan and Randy.  Yes, most of the audition shows are nauseating and make you want to go vomit…

But this is why I love this show.  Season 9 may not be so bad after all:

Pants on the Ground, baby!

Simon was in his usual form, wearing shirts that left little to the imagination and showed just how cold it was in every room he walked in.

Randy sat by Simon on day one, which made camera-right feel like a sausage festival and which left Kara completely out in never land on camera left.  Was there even a saucy little Briton between them?  It might as well have been a cardboard cutout, because that’s about what she contributed all day.

Thankfully producers put the kbosh on the seating arrangement for Day 2, placing Randy in the camera-left side, anchoring of the table and providing balance to the Idol universe.  Please get it right, Randy!

It was hard without Paula.  Really hard.  Harder than I expected it to be.  I miss her jiving to the really bad singers, and Day 1 fell completely flat without her to tell them how wonderful they were, to call them sweetie, and to be nice and sweet no matter how awful.  It just turned into four professional, ornery judges whisking loser after loser out the door.  It was more like real auditions are; no commentary, no explanations, no getting-to-know you, just sing and out the door you go.

Even Seacrest is phoning it in.  He didn’t even bother interacting with any contestants except for the ones directly outside the door, leading me to believe he only flew in for the day rather than for the whole 3 day audition process.

Yes, the franchise is on the downhill.

Simon can see, just as everyone, the free fall and saved his announcement that Season 9 would be his last for right before the premiere to try and raise ratings for his last hurrah.  If Fox knows what’s good for it, it will pack up the show and close down when Simon leaves.  We might be able to limp along for one season without Paula, but you will have to put Idol on an artificial respirator to make it live on without Simon.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be here for every moment of Season 9.  I’m going to be loving and blogging every minute of my last hurrah, but if Simon really is packing his bags this May, I’m packing out with him.

We donkeys have to stick together.

How do I feel about this?  Let me tell you how I feel about this…

For reals, peeps?!  Ellen?

I love Ellen as a comedian, don’t get me wrong, but she will singlehandedly sink the American Idol franchise as a judge.  Mark my words, friends, this is the beginning of the end.  The American Idol apocalypse has begun.

Look, the whole point of the American Idol formula is that you have three (or four, after they screwed up that last year) who are fun, diverse, and can offer some for-reals, smart, snap judgements about a performance based on their professional experience.

So what part of being a comic and an avid karaoke bar customer gives Ellen the chops to do any of that??

If you saw Ellen as a guest judge on last season’s So You Think You Can Dance, you can see she makes a fantastic guest judge – offering great one liners and keeping the audience entertained with her variation in tone.  But she puts people in the back of their seats.  A judge should bring the audience to the front of their seats.  Judges like Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan do that.  Judges like Ellen make people say, “oh let’s see what the funny lady is going to say next…”

I just don’t know how long I can stand listening to her make the same jokes about “I can do that,” when clearly she has no real experience as anything but a comic, (and a super-good one at that… seriously… love her wit!)

So Ellen, sit down on my overstuffed chair, girl, so we can chat…

You got a lot to prove.  If you stick with your strength, it will feel out of place.  If you try to compete with Randy and Kara and Simon, it will feel out of place.  I just don’t see a win in this for you, sweet-ums.

Stick to your day job.

]]> http://www.whiteeyebrows.com/breaking-news-ellen-degeneres-is-paulas-replacement/feed/ 7 http://www.whiteeyebrows.com/p-s-a-dream/ http://www.whiteeyebrows.com/p-s-a-dream/#comments Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:16:53 +0000 WhiteEyebrows http://www.whiteeyebrows.com/?p=2446 I had a dream last night that Simon Cowell actually read my blog.

How did I know he read my blog?  Because he took a direct quote from it and said it on American Idol.

I was honored, but a …

goodbye paula… we’ll miss you!

cowell and fuller just didn’t understand your needs…

My questions:

1. Who will Simon bother when he gets bored?
2. How will Simon compete with Kara who actually has a brain and usually has comments that are coherent?
3. Will Simon have to slip something into Kara’s drink, just like he has done with Paula for the last 8 years?
4. But most importantly: Who will be there to comment on performances that haven’t happened yet?  Only Paula had that ability!

Really, Paula will be able to take care of herself.  After all, she has a bunch of plastic jewelry to sell.  However, this must be a crushing blow and a wake-up call to Simon Cowell.  I mean, what will he do if his time comes?  How will he get by?  I worry for him.

Read it for yourself…

(for those of you who don’t know how to read a twitter feed, start at the bottom and work your way up)

Let the conspiracy theories fly…

The rest of this week on WhiteEyebrows.com will now be dedicated to Paula Abdul, like it or not!