Frequenters of the WhiteEyebrows Blog may have noticed that, a few weeks ago, some nifty Google Ads started to creep up on my site.  This was not a result of Google’s merciless monopolization and commoditization of each and every corner of the inter-web, as you might be thinking…. This is an example of my own merciless commoditization of every corner of my life…

How else am I going to retire by the time I’m 40?  It actually all goes back to the Snow Cone Stand, really… but that’s another blog.  I hope YFC will one day write a guest blog about it…

The point is: Google AdWords sucks!  The idea is that these ads are supposed to be relevant to the content on my pages, and thus be more appealing to my site visitors.  Moreover, (and this is the good part for me) I then get paid for forcing you all to see them, and get paid even more if someone is stupid enough to click on one of them.

Well, after two months of using this Sucky McSuckerton, I have made a grand total of:

$0.00

Why have I not made a single red cent??  Based on the concept I explained above it could only be for 2 reasons:

  1. No one comes to my site.
  2. No one clicks on my ads.

The first one I know is not true, because you people (every once in a while) comment on here.  Plus, Google Analytics tells me you’re coming… So I know someone is out there, so it must be #2.

And why don’t people click on the ads?  After looking at them myself for once, I’ve come up with an idea. Just take a look at the brilliant ads that graced my blog today…

God Loves You
Jesus2000.com

I can see why this one made it on: because I wrote something about God on here.  But I’m pretty sure that most people who read it are either already satisfied with their God the way they understand him, or are cynical and sarcastic about God and could care less.

White Mens Dress Suit
Shopzilla.com

The last thing this blog is about is Fashion.  While I can recognize and appreciate good fashion, I’m the last one to actually practice it.  I don’t have the time or money.

Plus, I can’t tell (the way the ad is written) if the word “white” is making reference to the “Suit” the “Man.”  Is it “[White Mens] Suit” or “White [Mens Suit]”?  If the suit is white, I don’t understand why it would be relevant to WhiteEyebrows.com, and if the Man is white… well, I can understand that, cause I’m kind of WhiteBread.

10 Rules of a Flat Stomach
FatLoss4Idiots.com

I have not written a word on here about weight loss, and I’m slightly offended that Google would suggest that I (or my readers) need to lose weight.  I’m suing them for duress now or libel… or both… even though I’m not quite sure what either of them are.  (Can I do that, lawyer friends?)

Artificial Eyebrows
www.InvisiWig.com

I have nothing to say here.  This one is totally and absolutely relevant… But honestly, how big a market do you think there is for Artificial Eyebrows, and what percentage of that market do you think is actually ON the internet – no less, reading my blog???

So today… I’m ditching this ad system.  You can now all enjoy this blog ad-free, once more.

But don’t worry.. I’ll find another way to make money off of you all… somehow… mwahahaha!

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4 Responses to Google AdWords Sucks!

  1. Ashley says:

    So funny. Question: Doesn’t “I COULD care less” insinuate that you don’t really hate it while “I COULDN’T care less” shows your true dis-interest? Inquiring minds want to know.

  2. Alison says:

    I personally AM looking for false eyebrows. How tragic that I did not get to this ad in time. However, all is well. I can just go to http://www.InvisiWig.com and get hooked up.

  3. Rachel says:

    Dang it- I was going to click and give you my 2 cents. Now I’ll never get the chance.

  4. Rhia Jean says:

    My only question is…do you get to choose the color of your artifical eyebrows? What color do they come in? I personally think you should stock up now on the white ones for when you are an old man. Then you should also get a white suit or a suit for a white man, depending on which they mean and then God will love you. Jesus 2000!!!

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