American Idol – Season 5 Finale

that’s right folks… get ready for the soul patrol to come knocking on your door, dragging you out into the street, and causing mass hysteria nation-wide. Taylor Hicks is our newest American Idol. Can I get a “WOOOO” with a quick shift to the back and left, followed by continous calls to the “SOUL PATROL”???

Last night’s finale was, overall, really neat. One of the best season finales as of yet.

It had high points and low points… here are some:

Low point: Katherine singing with Meatloaf (that guy can’t sing…)

High Point: The judge’s videos. “I get so emotional baby” and “I’m too sexy”… “DAWWWG!”

Low point: PRINCE (OK, its a well known fact that NO ONE in the world likes Prince. ugh… that must have been like 10 minutes long of those nasty chicks rubbing up against each other. Is American Idol now the place not only to launch new music careers but to revive lost causes??)

High Point: Seeing Elliots mom get the idol award for best family moment, then seeing Ryan and her struggle to decide who was going to kiss who where and when.

Low point: Seeing ace’s smirky ugly face and weenie voice again.

High Point: seeing Chris Daughtery sing with Live. (I liked listening to him more than Live’s lead singer) Proof in the pudding – he is READY! Please, someone, give him a good gig!

Low point: When the british guy (probably simon’s friend) was trying to hand ryan the envelope and tell him that his company certified the results while the people were yelling and screaming for him to get off stage.

High Point: hearing Mandisa sing part of I’m Every Woman (pleeeeeeease let that be on her album!! then let the symbolism fly…)

Low point: Chicken Little… that little solo he sang with the girls behind the piano doing the up-down-piston thing… Oh wow… quality control OBVIOUSLY missed a rehearsal.

High point: The look on that WEIRD Clay Aiken look alike’s face when clay actually started singing his song and scared him 1/2 to death. Then how he started yelling into Clay’s face while the man was trying to sell a record or two.

Low point: Seeing how clay aiken somehow managed to get UGLIER with all that money and fame. (but less nerdy)

High point: The award and recap of Rhonetta… please see yesterday’s post for more detail 🙂

Low point: the return of crying cowboys and dave the freak. Why does american idol continue to give these LOSERS a voice? Don’t they know american is already laughing at them?

Well, thats enough. Feel free to reply with your high points and low points. Its odd that a finale would be so weird… so many really nice things mixed with so many awful or just plain weird things.

Either way… Taylor won, fireworks went off, life is good. Alabama has now produced 3 american idols, and ALL of the idols have come from the South (if you count texas as south). Hmm… maybe the south should have seceded from the union and created the United Musicians States of Simon Cowell.

American Idol – Top 2 Reviews

Well, the last time we will hear idols sing this year in competition for the title… how does it make you feel? A little melancholy? Me too.

Wow… the Kodak theatre, its big. Was there a 6th balcony up there that they couldn’t fit into the frame?? 🙂 Oh look there’s Ryan Seacrest.

Time to give out MY AI awards:
1) Most improved cast member: Ryan Seacrest. This guy has gone from bubble-gum smacking smarmy hip host to a serious contender for Life-After-American-Idol. Over the seasons, this show has helped him go from “hip ambiguous sexuality man” to “serious reality TV host” (if that last phrase isn’t too much of an oxymoron for you, try this one on for size: Ryan Seacrest, you have secured your spot in the “Smarmy Host Hall of Fame.” Maybe when Bob Barker finally croaks you’ll be the presumptive takeover of the world’s longest running game show.

2) Most outrageous auditioner: Rhonetta. I just re-watched your 2 seconds of stardom and was awestruck by the booty not-quite-white trash that you are. if you are brave. She has beat william hung for the title. Thanks william for giving this previously closeted, psycho-american demographic a voice.

3) My favorite Judge: Simon Cowell, of course. Randy says Dawg too much, Paula is too positive, and Simon, well you try to give an honest evaluation. Good work. I enjoy you the most in the individual auditions, and sometimes I want to slap you when you say things like “you’re the winner today”. Fact is, you know how much pull you have with the voters, you lke to manipulate them, and for that I like you the most.

4) Contestants I liked: Mandisa, Elliot, Kathrine, Chris

5) Contestants who I liked but wouldn’t vote for: Paris, Taylor

5) Contestants I hated: The Britnum Twins, Brenna Gethers, Chicken Little Boy, Bucky, Ace

Now the the finale review:
First of all, Taylor was lucky to go second. This gives him the last moment, the last word, and the final image you see.

Loved Taylor’s first song. It showed exactly who he was and why he should win. Who lied to him about that Jacket is what I wanted to know?

Loved Kat’s first song. Much better than when she did it for the first time and just sat on the floor.

I was nervous when Kat busted out with Rainbow again. I thought: how could she do it any better than the first time. Honestly to me, she sounded pretty much the same on it, but that is one of those songs that can just entrance you in real life if you’re seeing it… and apparently it did.

Taylor’s second song was good. This is where I started thinking, why are we just re-singing the stuff you did well on earlier in the season. Sure, its not a time for taking big chances, but come one – we’re bored. Maybe they should have had the judges pick songs for them again. I thought they did a good job with that last time.

Third songs beg for no comment. The songs were terrible. I don’t know who wrote those for them and why they couldn’t get someone with talent to write them. They were hoakie, boring, formulaic, and musically the exact same (just check out the key change before the last verse… you music theory people will know what to call it, but it was EXACTLY the same). Taylor made his lemon into better lemonade than Kat, so simon declares him the winner.

After careful evaluation of the episode, and taking into consideration all of the everything I know… I voted for Taylor. I think he will be more unique and interesting for the industry. He will sing for a more niche audience, so as far as sweeping the world star power goes, maybe Kat has it more than Taylor, but only time will really tell. One thing’s for sure: Chris, Elliot, Katherine, and Taylor ALL have the chance of a lifetime now to go and see if they can really hack it. I think they all proved themselves. America picked the top 5 well (i’ll throw paris in there), but now its up to them to surround themselves with some good people and go for it, for reals. Non-fox style.

American Idol – Top 3 Results Show

Well, America. It is official. Somewhere along the line you made a mistake. We have come to the semi finals with, in my opinion, NOT the 3 best undiscovered talent in america.

Elliot – You done good my friend. You’d better hope and pray that Simon’s negative comments mobilize your voting base as well as Chris’ votes that (according to my theory) all went to you last week. Your songs really were boring. I can’t remember what you sang today, which is a DEADLY thing for the semi-finals. You still have a chance, however, as the other contestants didn’t do too much better. We have enjoyed you, but you are toast.

Kathrine – Really though, given the current circumstances, Chris’ votes are more likely to go to you. Here’s what you have going for you: you have a really great flexible instrument, you’re beautiful, versitile, vulnerable, and willing to go out on a limb. What you have against you is you’re YET another female american idol. Lets be honest… this year was a boy’s year. Look at the male/female ratios all throughout the competition this year.

But back to you… your songs last night were really good. You’re word for the evening was GUTSY. It was gutsy for you to do such a different take on I Believe. The song is so recognizable. and you successfully made it your own. However, I’m not sure how successfully your rendition would stand up all on its own. Wouldn’t sell like hotcakes, but for the purposes of this competition, it showed that you weren’t throwing in the towel just yet.

Oh, and I like how you are giving the judges a little backtalk. We could use more of that.

Over the rainbow… honey… now THAT WAS AMAZING. Once again, the word is GUTSY. Sitting there singing the first verse totally a capella, then having just a simple straightforward accompaniment which swelled toward the end into a musical array of amazing abundance was just what we needed. You gave us a reason to vote for you tonight.

As your personal stage presence coach, I would have told you that I LOVE your choice to grovel on the floor sometimes when you sing. However, you have to know that it doesn’t do anything for you until you actually explore that level. You needed to stand up or shift somehow in the middle of that song. Every move you made in that position would have been a million bucks, but as you just sat there and let the jib camera accost you from above, you looked like a trapped rat, or a bad First Vision Movie. 🙂

Which gets me to my next point… now more then ever, the contestants need to give us a reason each and every time they sing to vote for them. This has been the problem the last 2 weeks. I dont’ end a show needing to vote for one person, I end the show making a calculated decision based on weeks of show watching… not good.

Last night, you earned my vote, and it wasn’t just because of the sexy teal number you started out with.

Taylor – Way to make a comeback. I was sad when you weren’t vote off last week. You showed more of YOU tonight than we have seen in a long time. As you move into the finals, you need to not suffer from Paris’ syndrome. Don’t try to be everything to everyone. Just do what you do best. That is the only way you can outdo Kathrine.

Your first and last songs were forgettable. Well, the last one not so much. But the “You are so beautiful” number was absolutely gorgeous. You need to tap into that more often. Apart from dancing with Paula, you did a very good job tonight.

Which brings me back to my original comment. I feel a sense of loss. If two of these three contestants can only give me 2 memorable moments in an hour long show, something is a little wrong. Was Chris wrongfully ousted last week? Yes. He IS america’s idol 2006. My prediction… Chris will have a bigger, better record deal faster than everyone else from this season. (except maybe paris… see below)

Paula – Judges are 3rd party observers rather than participants. You would make a much better backup dancer/singer than a judge. Yeah, its nice to have someone tell everyone how wonderful they are, even when they sucked. But come on woman… when you stand up and dance like a drunken …. uhh… prom date, you make me a little sick. Oh… and by the way… I know you’re trying to get your very own wardrobe malfunction because you think they’re so cute, but give it up. No one wants to see you go popping out on live TV. Next time remember the double sided tape, please.

The real winner from this season, Paris. You know why? She is the MINOR contestant who got the farthest. The minors aren’t bound to 19 Entertainment’s contract, so she can walk away at any time and make a big fat record deal with whomever she wants. Not that she will or should, but she can, which makes her the legal/contractual winner of this competition. 🙂

American Idol – Top 3 Reviews

If they would have shown that film of Elliot on Tuesday night, his percentage would have KILLED every other percentage. Wow, does that boy have some fans. No screaming teenagers and rope lines for Katherine… No first pitch for Taylor (can taylor even throw a ball?)

So… america… this is where it stands. Our Rock Star idols are gone. We are now stuck with the two hacks. They can sing, but they are hacks. It will be very interesting to see who I go with for the American Idol between those two. I’ve been stumping for Katherine more often than not, but Taylor has been pulling out the stops lately. I LOVE the song he sang last night. Its the one he sang in the top 32 when he proved to the world he was the MOST awkward dancer in the world.

Paula… what a flowing river of tears snot and goo… you crack me up.

Isn’t Elliot’s mom the sweetest thing ever? I would want him to win just to see his mom get all overwhelmed again.

American Idol – Top 4 Reviews

I’m sorry for the delay today. I was in a meeting from 9am to 6:40pm.

Yesterday was one of the great AI episodes. This is the list based on last night only:

1. Elliot, you brought it last night! Both songs were awesome! I was concerned for you tonight and you convinced me to give you your vote.

2. Chris really slipped today. The voting will be closer than ever. Not that he didn’t do really well, but the others really stepped it up. What was with the sunglasses? DUMB!!!

3. Taylor, you are hanging on. You did a great job last night, but the last 3-4 weeks have been not so good. You barely got the #3 spot.

4. Based on last night ,you were the weakest. I’d hate to see you go, but it wasn’t good DAWG.

Sorry this is shorter, i’m being distracted by my meeting.

American Idol – Top 5 Reviews

Overall, kind of a weird show last night.

1. Chris – still the best, still the most popular, still the most appropriate “american idol”. He is far from the bubble gum pop star that the show created… this will add credibility to the series, big time. He needs to be careful though… i’m glad he’s realizing his limits, that he can’t get up there and scream his head off every day. He’ll die.

2. Kathrine – you are still my #2 overall, although last nights performances probably warranted the #3 slot. Stilll, I think you’ve got more of what it takes than the others. Your biggest threat is Paris, of course. She and her sisters can still slap you and your yellow panties around. How did I miss the wadrobe malfunction last week??? I will have to go back with my magnifying glass… at least your underwear matched the dress… good work there.

3. Paris – Somehow when you sing the hip hop, current stuff, you make me cringe. Like your voice is too special to waste on that drivel. Then I remember that you are like 17 and that is probably what you like to listen to with your crack smokin’ sistas. Somehow I don’t think Billy Holliday is your idol, although you sound just like her and would KILL the senior citizen market if you just sang what you were good at.

4. Elliot – you are convincing me. I have given simon the benefit of the doubt all this time when he’s said you could be the best male vocalist they’ve ever had. I just hadn’t heard it… but slowly, slowly you are convincing me. You will make good records, rather than be a good live performer.

5. for a contrast… Taylor, your records will not sell, but your performances will… especially if you keep falling on the floor in your cardiac arrests. For your next trick, can you do a few backhand springs please? Boy… rough for you. When I watched the recap, everyone back to back, you were clearly the weakest, the most gimmicky. If anyone goes but you this week, it will be a mistake. Good luck soul patrolling the streets of whatchahoochie wheerever you’re slilvery hair is from.

PS > how is it that you have the EXACT same smile from when you were like 4 years old???

I suppose the only thing keeping me riveted to the TV now is the chance that there will be an upset. I think the lines are pretty well drawn by now. top 5 is an incredible round number. Fox knows this which is why they had 3 or 4 segments on the idol tour, idol cd, idol t-shirt, and other crap they want you to buy.

American Idol – Top 6 Reviews

Simon Cowell Jr, here. Posting one more reaction to a night of Ghastly singing my grandmother would have gouged her eyes out to hear.

bottom to top this week:

1. Kellie, Kellie, Kellie… are you trying to get kicked off the show? No… i’m not sure you’re smart enough to do that. Well, 2 weeks in a row of bad, bad singing. I think you’re hosed cutie. Go back to your grandpa and the farm and the cows and chickens… oh wait you have no farm, cows or chickens… so just go back to grandpa.

2. Taylor: nice suit. I still think you are not having fun anymore. Something happened to you about 3 or 4 weeks ago and ever since you have not been the same. Maybe you should have tried dying your hair. Its too late to do it now, you’ll be branded a sell out and an attention getter, but maybe that what you need for a taylor renaissance if you get through this week!

3. Paris: you picked a boring song and you oversang it. Push push push. However, I did like the bouncy spunky hairdo back again. Thanks for taming your look a bit. I was a bit blackandwhited out by your oufit . It was very monochrome. You need color. You also do something with your head and face… something your mom probably did to you all the time that you’ve picked up. Its like this nodding approving yup kind of nod. It can be cute, but it is a little grandma-ish. Anyone else see that?

4. Elliot: I’m not sure where the best best best thing is coming from. You have a nice voice, but you don’t have a distinctive style. The judges must be seeing something from 10 feet away that I’m not from 15 feet away (and some times 3 inches away wiht that stupid boom camera that everyone feels they have to sing to as it passes in front of their faces)

5. Chris: I love that you got schooled by Andrea bocelli. Sure you don’t have to be a classical singer, but take a note… if you think you can go on tour and scream scream scream your voice out every night, you will last about 2 weeks and 3 major elevation changes. Just my 2 cents. I really like how you keep incorporating band members onstage in your number. I think its classy, helps keep you at ease, and helps to fill that chasm of a stage. You’re still the presumptive winner.

6 Kathrine: I too padded the vote (angie, stealing my voting practices) for you. The judges went overboard. Yeah… there were probably 10 other songs you should have chosen. History says that ANY time you do a whitney song for Randy and Simon they will shoot you down. Especially Randy. He must have been her dealer at some point… However, I thought you sang it well. Its one of my favorite songs and I thought you did it justice. There weren’t pitch problems at all. Meanies…

Oh yeah… and thank you heaven for DOUBLE SIDED TAPE!!! Kathrine, will you marry me, still???

American Idol – Top 7 Reviews

Tonight’s idol was MUCH MUCH better than the past few boring weeks. Thank goodness we got some classics to sing!

My order:
#1 Kathrine – I’m sticking with you babe. I loved the song (cuz I’m a sucker for gershwin), but above and beyond the voice, I see more potential for you in the biz than Kellie. Who’s going to protect her, Grandpa? You’ve paid your dues, you’ve worked hard, and your a little rich girl from LA… what more does america want? Will you marry me? (and be baptized?)

#2 Chris – wow. Excellent. I think this one may be the one that takes him through the finish line. To the skeptics like me, he has proven he can do more besides scream his chords off.

#3 Paris – Your career has already started. Like I said last week, stop reinventing yourself and go with your strengths. Your sultry Billy Holiday voice will sell millions. Niche markets are money… just like Charlotte Church, who sang out of her demographic…

#4 – Taylor. You’re there. You’re doing ok. I like the soul patrol. I like Ray Charles. Its just that you aren’t black, and you are becoming more distant. You won’t make the top 3. Sorry, start making your record deals now while you still have nat’l coverage.

#5 – Elliot. I loved it man. I loved the way you shook off the nerves tonight and left it all on the stage. I’ll be sad to see you go… if not this week, then next, but probably this week. As if you didn’t have enough challenges with your funny mouth, your diseases, and your squinty eye, Simon just has to seal your doom with his comments. Its ok buddy, just too little too late. La Chaim!

#6 – Kellie. Sorry to put you here tonight, but I don’t like you terribly (mostly because your a moron) and your song sucked. It’s that point of the competition where good people will go every week now. You are totally safe though, so count your blessings… all 10 million country fans out there watching the show. Especially with Bucky’s votes going to you this week, you’re ultra safe.

#7 – Ace. Why are you still here? I told you to leave the show weeks ago. Listen to me for I am wise. You suck. You are a face. Go away. I hate your ugly long hair. I love the fact that you weren’t an abercrombie poster child for once tonight. Hopefully your friends will think you’ve cheated on them and will spite you by not voting… or hopefully there is a nationwide phone outage at Gay bars.

The way the voting will REALLY go: (top to bottom)
Chris, Kellie, Paris, Kathrine, Taylor, Ace, Elliot

Rationale: Next one to go is a guy. Statistically it should be Ace, but after Simon’s comments tonight and Elliot’s appearance in the bottom 3 last week, my gut says he’s gone. However, could Elliot’s appearance in the bottom 3 have been enough to mobilize his base to put him into the #6 spot?

Kellie has all the country vote, Paris has all the black vote, and Kathrine has all the rest of the girl/guys voting for her. The girls are safe. They are diverse enough. It will come down to a fight between Kellie and Kathrine. Will stupid southern belle beat out classy western prep snob?

“Can anyone beat Chris?” is the question everyone is asking right now. So far he is still the clear favorite. He has the all-american idol story. He works hard and is a much serious rocker that Bo Bice (give me a break). AI fans want something harder, and he has the perfect Fantasia-like story with a great talent.

American Idol – Top 8 Reviews

Let me first apologize for not writing my AI epistle before the vote off tonight. I was in whacko texas seeing Tony, my friend.

This week was MUCH better than country week. Everyone seemed to be a little more into it.

I’m going to start with Chris: Chris, you have to start picking songs that get people out of their chairs. You could KILL in this competition and you’re just waffling along. I get you want to be different and do your alternative thing. The fact is, and Simon keeps saying it, you are getting indulgent; picking songs YOU think you like and YOU think you sound good on. Come on: the Korn thing? The wacky country whatever that was last week? It all started after you sang your little version of Walk the Line and now you think suddenly you’re mozart or something. Careful buddy… or Paris, Kellie, or Kathrine will mop the floor with your bald head in the final round.

Taylor… yeah you did your awkward dancing again, but I still am not feeling you 100%. Two weeks ago I feel like your heart left the competition. Where are you buddy. Give us Ray Charles.

Ace. Go home. You were embarassed by QUEEN on national television when you wanted to turn “WE WILL ROCK YOU” into some kind of backstreet boys weenie boy suggestion. You know you’re out of your league when someone says, “I’m not letting you do that to my song” You really deserved to go this week. At least Bucky wasn’t an embarrassment to his family and hometown and all that is right and good with sports arenas aroudn the WORLD!

Paris. I loved your song, I love your voice… and I think you’re a freak. You are schitzophrenic. I dont’ mind you showing a different “look” every week. But you are REINVENTING yourself every week and we don’t know who you are. We’ve seen everything from Beyonce to SmartNSassy to Queen of the Undead.

Elliot. I wince when I see you perform. Then i watch it back and enjoy your vocal. Then when you got sprung on to sing and didn’t know what it woudl be tonight, you sounded GOLDEN. You’re nerves are killing you. Get a grip on the nerves, the vibrato, and give me an undeniable reason to love your voice and you will go much further cuz everyone loves your personality.

Kathrine: You are pulling in the lead as my favorite. You’re cute, smart (unlike pickle-what?), and can really really sing. You challenge yourself more than the other girls, are more versitile than the other girls, and you have real training in these vocal styles. You keep doing better and you’ll have a chance to be in the finals with Chris.

Bucky. Sionara. I didn’t want you to last this long, but you did, and now old whichahachi north whatever will have something else to be proud of other than its closed down race track. You’ll be singing in the 3 b’s for the rest of your life: bars, baptisms and bar-mitzvas.

Kellie – what can I say… you are a retard. May the south live on… i don’t find you hideous to look at or listen to, but I don’t like you either and don’t want you to win this competition.

Thats the wrap up friends. Til next week… here are my picks:

Final 2
1. Chris
2. Kathrine

Next to leave: ACE ACE, please please let it be ACE!!

Next week: Sting – please please someone sing Fields of Gold.