American Idol – Top 10 Reviews

Is it just me or is this an off year? Last year we had 6 or 7 of the top 10 who were just clamoring for the top spot. This year, its more like a couple of little whimpers… how could America have gotten to this point?

Last night was full on “the good, the bad, and the ugly” (no disrespect to Mr. Eastwood)

The Good:
Never fear AI fans, there is a ray of sunshine on this cloudy horizon… and her name is:

Melinda Doolittle.

Oh yes. Once again, my woman pulls a hat trick. Just when you think she may stumble… Just when you think she can’t keep her momentum, she pulls another one out. I’m impressed. I wasn’t wild about her tights, but didn’t think it was so bad it warranted a comment from Simon, and her hair was ultra cute tonight. If you are not in the finals, Melinda, I will swear to never watch this show again.

You’re hanging on to my good list, although you still haven’t given me good reason to vote for you. You have a huge instrument, but somehow I feel like I can hear your voice at every other baptist church on the east side of the Mississippi. It is nice, it is good, but you still haven’t shown me why you’re extraordinary.

Way to rock it out tonight! I thought it was the best you’ve ever done. Good choice of song, wardrobe was a little over the top, but the vocal was spot on, and so was your pink streak (did you get that recently redone?)

I enjoyed you this week, cause you didn’t have to beat box to stand out. You just sang a song and all the women melted. The vocal was good, but I still can’t stand to watch you because of the weird stuff you do with your head and lips. You are good though and will go far.

The Bad:

Other than your eyebrows being obviously colored in tonight and the rest of you way too hairless (i didn’t know bic could shave so close!), your song was just OK. You’ve really plateaued and I don’t see it getting better any time soon.

This was not the ‘championship round’ jordan we have seen in weeks passed. This is psycho Jordin who lost track of who she was a little bit.

Hmm… Haley, Haley. What can I say. You aren’t very good. You aren’t really bad, but you aren’t really good either. Your just middle of the road. Good luck in your future modeling career.

The Ugly:

You know i’m saving this for last, because HELLO AMERICA! Wake up! This little boy is making an awful fool of himself, and it’s your fault.

First, that hair looked like something inspired from an awful experiment with a My Little Pony doll with a light coat of pink frosting… which confirmed last week’s suspicions of his ambiguous sexuality. I mean, come on… any dude who does the hair on My Little Pony… enough said.

Really, it didn’t matter what he sang. He could have sang Row, Row, Row Your Boat and no one would have cared. His nasty hair was screaming so loudly we didn’t hear anything he said or sang.

Have you ever been in a car when everyone was singing along to the radio, then everyone drops out but the most awkward singer in the car? I haven’t, but I imagine it is just as awkward as listening to Sanjaya. UGh! If any single contestant is going to make me loose faith in America, it will be Sanyaya Malakar.

Bonus! The Forgettable:

Chris Sligh:
He kind of seems to be getting worse and worse. He is loosing that charm and wit that he was so famous for early on. Or maybe he is just getting tired of the whole thing. It looks like he is enjoying the craft services too much… seems like he’s put on a little poundage.

Chris Richardson:
New rule. No same first names allowed in the top 10. One of you has to go soon so I can stop having to remember you by last name. Maybe i should just start referring to you as Fatty Chris and I’m-Too-Sexy Chris.

ADDENDUM: 3-28-07 11:20pm

Ok. I have to admit something. I was really distracted last night and ended up not watching AI as closely as I usually do. However, there were a few things that I failed to point out.

1) Baldy – You were good. I knew I messed that up, but yes, you actually were good. this was possibly one of your better songs, although it was a little scarily close to the original.

2) Jordin – I remembered what i was going to say about you… What in the world were you wearing girlfriend?! That looked like some kind of a picnic basket flannel combo gone wrong. What an awful skirt too. Drab. Please get some help with the stylists.

Just one more shout out to my woman Melinda…. you go girl!

American Idol – Top 11 Reviews

This group just doesn’t excite me like in other years… Why is that?

Here goes the one by one:

Someone must have slipped her the following memo last week:

Dear Whatever your name is:

You really can’t hold a candle to the other girls in this competition, but you’re the only white chick left and you look REALLY good. Next week wear practically nothing (especially no bra) and see if you can just make America drool.”

Well good job, cause that’s what ya did. Actually, honestly, the song was probably my favorite you had picked up to now. The singing wasn’t bad, it was just overshadowed by your complete FOXY routine. I’m glad I recorded it, so I can go back and re-experience the bouncing!!! 😉 (Call me)

Chris R.:
For the second week in a row, when I got to the point in this typing where I had to write about you, I totally forgot you’d even sung. Yeah, I thought your vocal was good… even better than Blake’s, but I don’t like you or your voice very much. BTW, let me just say how much I love the songs of the British Invasion. Wow… those are some great songs… and even more, no one sang To Sir with Love… I was hoping someone would!

America… Sanjaya… come sit down on my couch for a minute. Let’s talk. Now we all know there is a big elephant in this room. So let’s just get it over with. Sanjaya is NO ONE’s american idol. He is an awkward gangly teenager with an ambiguous sexual preference and absolutely no personal identity. He can’t sing, he CERTAINLY can’t dance, and he is the current symbol of the demise of the American Idol franchise. Now, AI producers, sit here on my couch too. GET HIM OUT! I don’t care if we have to rig the voting, get him out. Thank you. Now, regarding this performance: it was manic. That is the only way to describe it. Once again you have proven that you are so absolutely lost on that stage. America, don’t get it wrong this week. If he makes it into the top 10, you will have to live with him on the AI TOUR this summer… AGHAGAHGHAGHA…

Dawg… Simon was a little harsh on you. I’m afraid you’re already dangling by a thread as it is. Overall I’ve liked your voice, but you have very little personality or identity in this competition. Your vocal was OK, and even your shirt was nice. But no one cares. Really.

Chris S:
137% better this week! Thanks for deep 86ing the cold play. Your insecurities and vulnerabilities are starting to show through too. I’m glad. YOu can’t keep up that chubby boy, I’m-not-good-looking-so-instead-i’ll-just-dazzle-you-with-my-quick-wit routine much longer. At one point you are going to have to start making a case for why America should keep you in the competition. Your only saving grace is the fact that there are people WORSE than you in it still. Your day is coming, Chris Sligh…

Lakisha (or Ki Ki as her mama calls her):
I thought you picked the wrong song. Just from the small sampling from Lulu, the other would have blown us away, and you’ll need to keep doing that, cause Melinda is starting to wipe the floor with your lip-reduction needing face.

…Oh yeah, and don’t ever lie about the value of the costume jewelry, that’s why the good lord gave us HDTV, so we could spot the FAKES! Don’t be a fake yourself. Stay true to who you are and what brought you here. That’s what America liked about you in the first place. Talk more about how you don’t want to go back to working at McDonalds to support your teen pregnancy child.

Dude… It was good. I”ll say it again, you are a musician. Probably the best musician in the competition. You’re probably the band’s favorite to play for. However, I hate beat boxers. I think they belong in 9 man a capella bands, and not on American Idol as solo artists. You’re kind of killing me with the whole i’m so cool routine. We all get that you’re cool, but we still hate you for it. Also, you do funny things with your lips and tongue when you sing.

Tall, black, beautiful, but 39 years old? Simon was right, go back to feeling your age. You look very beautiful, but unfortunately your time is coming… you just aren’t standing out.

You got a bad wrap tonight from the judges. You did better than they let on, and I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. Keep doing the rocker thing, cause I think that is more who you are. You’ll make the top 7, but then… beware….

…Oh yeah, and you know what’s hot… when you wail a high note and we see your tongue ring…. NOT!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW Tongue rings are gross. You should put in a chain from your tongue ring to your ear ring to your navel ring to your *** to your toe ring. NICE!!!

Beautiful. If someone is going to give Melinda a run for her money, it will be Jordin. She is showing up to win, not just to sing. She picks the right songs, and sings them well. She is youthful, spunky, and real. Her star is definitely rising.

What can I say, darling? You are still my #1. You can take any song and just deliver it. Beautiful, consistent, amazing. You are a force to be recognized and reckoned with. I’m on the Melinda bandwagon all the way to the finals. You are who you say you are. You can’t be stopped! I want the Melinda Season 6 Compilation Album!!!

Bonus Reviews:

Lulu: you’re beautiful… you’re gorgeous. I dont’ care if you’re now 35% plastic. You’re still smart and apparently didn’t inhale away all your brain cells like so many in the 60’s.

Noone: Notice your name is actually a contraction for NO-ONE. You are no one and you know no thing. Go home.

American Idol – Top 12 Reviews

America is already a bunch of retards… because Senjay is in it still!!!

Here’s my run down (remember this from last year?):

1. Brandon – not good, dawg. It was a fun song, but his vocal was bad. He just wasn’t very natural up there either. Maybe he would have done better if he didn’t have the pressure of being first. He is in the danger zone this week, big time. Bottom 2.

2. Melinda Doolittle… ok. Melinda is my pick this year. She should change her last name to Doo-everything-right. She is a better singer than Lakisha, picks better, more challenging songs, and sings the you-know-what out of them EVERY single time. Plus, as linds mentioned, she is SO humble and real. She cannot lose, or I give up on AI.

3. Sligh… needs to bring the glasses back. They give us something to look at except your ugly face. Really, no, really, his face is truly ugly under those black rimmed specs. I thought his intentions were good with the arrangment, but turning it into a power ballad betrayed the feeling and intention of the original song which is a classic. Dude… it sucked.

4. LaKisha – Nice sweat river running down the cleavage tonight. Ewwww… You know, they keep those studios at like 60 degrees, so she is just a big girl. The song was good, but she’s starting to get that I’m good and I know it thing going on. I’m glad she brought it down a notch too, although she showed that her weakness may be not having as much nuance when she is singing out of the rafters.

5. Phil – he’s maybe the best singer of the men, but doesn’t look good bald. Someone should inform him of this. At least he’s not resorting to lots of facial hair to make up for his loss on top. The song… errr… not great.

6. Beat box dude – I respect his musicianship. He is an artist. But his artistry got in the way of his singing tonight. He’s going to have to hang up his DJ teeny bopper routine a bit if he is really serious about winning, or else the girls will kick his puny white keester all over the stage.

7. Sanjaya – UGH!!! I’ve never heard a more puny sorry excuse for a song. He is a TERRIBLE singer! Please someone, get him off the show!

8. Haley – She is just a joy to look at. She is so dang good looking, I really don’t care what she sounds like. She’ll hang on for a while until the bad singers are gone, then she’ll go next.

9. Gina – I like her, but she was much better last week in her punk rock element. She did good by the motown though.

10. Jordin – she is good. So young. So vulnerable. So in high school it’s sick. she’ll be around for quite some time, I think.

11. Stephanie – I liked how she stayed true to the disco era. She was funky, and I really liked her dress. It didn’t show off her voice like it should. Oh yeah, and the butch hair cut is HOT.

12. Chris Richardson – he picked the best song out of everyone, somethign to get the crowd up and clapping from the get go, but he is perhaps the most forgettable of the group. He is the Not-Blake. He looks and acts very similar, but isn’t quite as memorable.

The short of it is simply, I think for the first time we’re going to have an all girl top 5. Maybe, perhaps, blake will be in there too, but I think deep down he may be a girl too.