On Friday, Condie Rice announced new sanctions against the Iranian military and Iranian financial institutions that are involved in Iran’s nuclear program and funneling arms and financial support into Middle Eastern terrorist networks. There is a great debate as to whether or not these new sanctions will have any real effect on Iran, and America begins to wonder if we are on a collision course with that country.
I, on the other hand, have come up with a totally new solution to the problem. What we need is a new, modern Iran, full of fresh new ideas and leadership.
First, I propose we rename “Iran” to “iRan.” We can create a NEW Iran just by lower casing the i on Iran and giving it a brand new industrial design. This will modernize, pluralize, and make iRan cool, hip, and “now”. Let’s face it, mp3 players and cell phones existed before the iPod and iPhone, but look what the new capitalization has done for them!!
Second, I propose we make Steve Jobs the new CEO of iRan. There, he can give long winded, disconnected Keynote presentations to his heart’s content. He will have a totally captive audience. Also, having Steve in iRan will open the way for a new “mecca” for Mac-Philes. The tourism industry of iRan will grown 800% in the first year, with people making their annual pilgrimage to the center of Apple-dom.
Third, (and most important of all) we have learned that the ‘hearts and minds’ campaign is the most difficult one to win, and to succeed in this, we will introduce a revolutionary new device called the iRan.
This device will be based on the iPhone and iPod touch. Except it will come pre-loaded with all sorts of incredible content (cause as far as we know, the internet probably hasn’t been invented yet in Iran).
The iRan will include all the 60’s protest music we can find, the entire Beatles anthology (the rights to which will be taken from Michael Jackson as part of his current legal proceedings), videos of people getting smacked in the junk, and of course W’s last 6 “State of the Union” addresses.
We should also throw in lots of Hip Hop music, because I really feel like the suppression and objectification of women embodied therein will resonate in that culture. Also, it wouldn’t hurt them to learn the F word and repeat it at leisure every time they see an American, even if they don’t really understand how offensive it is.
We also need to put in every Tom Cruise film, for the pure capitalistic presentational melodramatic action packed nature of them. We should include the complete works of Meg Ryan as well, to show America’s cutesie, optimistic, love struck side.
I welcome your suggestions on other content you think might be appropriate for the iRan. It will be forwarded to the appropriate congressional subcommittee and is guaranteed to go absolutely nowhere.
This revolutionary device will change the way we fight wars and win hearts and minds the world over! A new era has begun.
State Department, are you listening???