Outside yourself

When I was a kid I would read books and some authors would say something like “Andrea found herself standing in the store buying cookies.” When I would read this, I wondered how can you “find yourself” someplace. Weren’t you with yourself all the time?

But that happens to us I think. This week I was sitting at the kitchen table and my husband was sitting on the other side of it. We were having casual conversation. All of the sudden, I felt an in-body experience. Have you ever had one of those? All the sudden, I was aware of my true self being inside this body I inhabit and I felt this wonderment, WHY AM I ME? How did I get here, in this body, at this time, in this life, with these people around me, with these thoughts,feelings, habits, abilities, inadequacies. I felt my real self looking out these windows (eyes) to the outside world and feeling those weird words ring true “I found myself sitting at the kitchen table talking.”

Do we really know who we really are? I feel sometimes I may not know my real true self. I have had reactions or done things before that even surprise myself. Who am I? and why am I me? I wonder….

How was it back in the old days when people didn’t have mirrors? They could see everyone else but they couldn’t see themselves. How did they picture themselves? How did they perceive themselves? I am not talking about being vain or image-conscious, I mean how did people understand themselves when they didn’t have a visual image to associate with their view of self?

Maybe you’ve thought about that in a house of mirrors what is a true accurate reflection? What is truely who you are?

Yesterday I was on the internet browsing for a new swimsuit. (I am trying to lose weight for a trip to Puerto Rico in the spring and was motivating myself by telling myself if I did it I could buy a new swimsuit) My 2 year old (who wanted juice or spaghettios I am sure) came and climbed on my lap and said pointing at the 100-pound-stick-thin- swimsuit-models in string bikinis, “LOOK ITS MOMMY!” I of course had to laugh right out loud. I do not look like that, but she just saw a pretty, grown up woman and thought of mom. She doesn’t know or care about physical perfection. She just knows I am her representation of a real grown up woman. What responsibility I have! To be the standard of a woman to 4 young girls. I know I fall short so much and have been know to say in prayer “bless my children that they may be resiliant to my mistakes.”

People say that they wonder why we are here on this earth. There are many answers and many ways to look at it, but I think this is my current answer to this question….

We are hear to do our best with who we are — cause that’s all we came with and that’ s all we are going to leave with… that person inside.


3 thoughts on “Outside yourself”

  1. i know exactly what you are talking about. I have had those exact same feelings.. and questions… and realizations…

  2. Wow angie. You have been doing some thinking. I have had similar episodes where i have wondered who I am and what I am doing. It is almost scarey. I think our perception of who we are alos changes with time. I certainly am not the same person I thought I was. Hopefully I am better than iI was 10 years a go. I am certainly glad I am where I am now. It would be frightening to see how other people see me thought. I am sure it is not how I see myself. Thanks for a thought provoking blog.

  3. Brilliant. I have had similar “in-body” experiences. Moments of self-reflexive actualization where you are like… yes… I am actually me. This isn’t just an image reflected back at me, this is how the rest of the world sees me.

    The truth is, we will never quite know or understand how the rest of the world sees or experiences ourselves. It is the greatest mystery there is.

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