American Idol – Top 11 Reviews

This group just doesn’t excite me like in other years… Why is that?

Here goes the one by one:

Someone must have slipped her the following memo last week:

Dear Whatever your name is:

You really can’t hold a candle to the other girls in this competition, but you’re the only white chick left and you look REALLY good. Next week wear practically nothing (especially no bra) and see if you can just make America drool.”

Well good job, cause that’s what ya did. Actually, honestly, the song was probably my favorite you had picked up to now. The singing wasn’t bad, it was just overshadowed by your complete FOXY routine. I’m glad I recorded it, so I can go back and re-experience the bouncing!!! 😉 (Call me)

Chris R.:
For the second week in a row, when I got to the point in this typing where I had to write about you, I totally forgot you’d even sung. Yeah, I thought your vocal was good… even better than Blake’s, but I don’t like you or your voice very much. BTW, let me just say how much I love the songs of the British Invasion. Wow… those are some great songs… and even more, no one sang To Sir with Love… I was hoping someone would!

America… Sanjaya… come sit down on my couch for a minute. Let’s talk. Now we all know there is a big elephant in this room. So let’s just get it over with. Sanjaya is NO ONE’s american idol. He is an awkward gangly teenager with an ambiguous sexual preference and absolutely no personal identity. He can’t sing, he CERTAINLY can’t dance, and he is the current symbol of the demise of the American Idol franchise. Now, AI producers, sit here on my couch too. GET HIM OUT! I don’t care if we have to rig the voting, get him out. Thank you. Now, regarding this performance: it was manic. That is the only way to describe it. Once again you have proven that you are so absolutely lost on that stage. America, don’t get it wrong this week. If he makes it into the top 10, you will have to live with him on the AI TOUR this summer… AGHAGAHGHAGHA…

Dawg… Simon was a little harsh on you. I’m afraid you’re already dangling by a thread as it is. Overall I’ve liked your voice, but you have very little personality or identity in this competition. Your vocal was OK, and even your shirt was nice. But no one cares. Really.

Chris S:
137% better this week! Thanks for deep 86ing the cold play. Your insecurities and vulnerabilities are starting to show through too. I’m glad. YOu can’t keep up that chubby boy, I’m-not-good-looking-so-instead-i’ll-just-dazzle-you-with-my-quick-wit routine much longer. At one point you are going to have to start making a case for why America should keep you in the competition. Your only saving grace is the fact that there are people WORSE than you in it still. Your day is coming, Chris Sligh…

Lakisha (or Ki Ki as her mama calls her):
I thought you picked the wrong song. Just from the small sampling from Lulu, the other would have blown us away, and you’ll need to keep doing that, cause Melinda is starting to wipe the floor with your lip-reduction needing face.

…Oh yeah, and don’t ever lie about the value of the costume jewelry, that’s why the good lord gave us HDTV, so we could spot the FAKES! Don’t be a fake yourself. Stay true to who you are and what brought you here. That’s what America liked about you in the first place. Talk more about how you don’t want to go back to working at McDonalds to support your teen pregnancy child.

Dude… It was good. I”ll say it again, you are a musician. Probably the best musician in the competition. You’re probably the band’s favorite to play for. However, I hate beat boxers. I think they belong in 9 man a capella bands, and not on American Idol as solo artists. You’re kind of killing me with the whole i’m so cool routine. We all get that you’re cool, but we still hate you for it. Also, you do funny things with your lips and tongue when you sing.

Tall, black, beautiful, but 39 years old? Simon was right, go back to feeling your age. You look very beautiful, but unfortunately your time is coming… you just aren’t standing out.

You got a bad wrap tonight from the judges. You did better than they let on, and I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. Keep doing the rocker thing, cause I think that is more who you are. You’ll make the top 7, but then… beware….

…Oh yeah, and you know what’s hot… when you wail a high note and we see your tongue ring…. NOT!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW Tongue rings are gross. You should put in a chain from your tongue ring to your ear ring to your navel ring to your *** to your toe ring. NICE!!!

Beautiful. If someone is going to give Melinda a run for her money, it will be Jordin. She is showing up to win, not just to sing. She picks the right songs, and sings them well. She is youthful, spunky, and real. Her star is definitely rising.

What can I say, darling? You are still my #1. You can take any song and just deliver it. Beautiful, consistent, amazing. You are a force to be recognized and reckoned with. I’m on the Melinda bandwagon all the way to the finals. You are who you say you are. You can’t be stopped! I want the Melinda Season 6 Compilation Album!!!

Bonus Reviews:

Lulu: you’re beautiful… you’re gorgeous. I dont’ care if you’re now 35% plastic. You’re still smart and apparently didn’t inhale away all your brain cells like so many in the 60’s.

Noone: Notice your name is actually a contraction for NO-ONE. You are no one and you know no thing. Go home.

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