American Idol – Top 5 Reviews

Overall, kind of a weird show last night.

1. Chris – still the best, still the most popular, still the most appropriate “american idol”. He is far from the bubble gum pop star that the show created… this will add credibility to the series, big time. He needs to be careful though… i’m glad he’s realizing his limits, that he can’t get up there and scream his head off every day. He’ll die.

2. Kathrine – you are still my #2 overall, although last nights performances probably warranted the #3 slot. Stilll, I think you’ve got more of what it takes than the others. Your biggest threat is Paris, of course. She and her sisters can still slap you and your yellow panties around. How did I miss the wadrobe malfunction last week??? I will have to go back with my magnifying glass… at least your underwear matched the dress… good work there.

3. Paris – Somehow when you sing the hip hop, current stuff, you make me cringe. Like your voice is too special to waste on that drivel. Then I remember that you are like 17 and that is probably what you like to listen to with your crack smokin’ sistas. Somehow I don’t think Billy Holliday is your idol, although you sound just like her and would KILL the senior citizen market if you just sang what you were good at.

4. Elliot – you are convincing me. I have given simon the benefit of the doubt all this time when he’s said you could be the best male vocalist they’ve ever had. I just hadn’t heard it… but slowly, slowly you are convincing me. You will make good records, rather than be a good live performer.

5. for a contrast… Taylor, your records will not sell, but your performances will… especially if you keep falling on the floor in your cardiac arrests. For your next trick, can you do a few backhand springs please? Boy… rough for you. When I watched the recap, everyone back to back, you were clearly the weakest, the most gimmicky. If anyone goes but you this week, it will be a mistake. Good luck soul patrolling the streets of whatchahoochie wheerever you’re slilvery hair is from.

PS > how is it that you have the EXACT same smile from when you were like 4 years old???

I suppose the only thing keeping me riveted to the TV now is the chance that there will be an upset. I think the lines are pretty well drawn by now. top 5 is an incredible round number. Fox knows this which is why they had 3 or 4 segments on the idol tour, idol cd, idol t-shirt, and other crap they want you to buy.

American Idol – Top 6 Reviews

Simon Cowell Jr, here. Posting one more reaction to a night of Ghastly singing my grandmother would have gouged her eyes out to hear.

bottom to top this week:

1. Kellie, Kellie, Kellie… are you trying to get kicked off the show? No… i’m not sure you’re smart enough to do that. Well, 2 weeks in a row of bad, bad singing. I think you’re hosed cutie. Go back to your grandpa and the farm and the cows and chickens… oh wait you have no farm, cows or chickens… so just go back to grandpa.

2. Taylor: nice suit. I still think you are not having fun anymore. Something happened to you about 3 or 4 weeks ago and ever since you have not been the same. Maybe you should have tried dying your hair. Its too late to do it now, you’ll be branded a sell out and an attention getter, but maybe that what you need for a taylor renaissance if you get through this week!

3. Paris: you picked a boring song and you oversang it. Push push push. However, I did like the bouncy spunky hairdo back again. Thanks for taming your look a bit. I was a bit blackandwhited out by your oufit . It was very monochrome. You need color. You also do something with your head and face… something your mom probably did to you all the time that you’ve picked up. Its like this nodding approving yup kind of nod. It can be cute, but it is a little grandma-ish. Anyone else see that?

4. Elliot: I’m not sure where the best best best thing is coming from. You have a nice voice, but you don’t have a distinctive style. The judges must be seeing something from 10 feet away that I’m not from 15 feet away (and some times 3 inches away wiht that stupid boom camera that everyone feels they have to sing to as it passes in front of their faces)

5. Chris: I love that you got schooled by Andrea bocelli. Sure you don’t have to be a classical singer, but take a note… if you think you can go on tour and scream scream scream your voice out every night, you will last about 2 weeks and 3 major elevation changes. Just my 2 cents. I really like how you keep incorporating band members onstage in your number. I think its classy, helps keep you at ease, and helps to fill that chasm of a stage. You’re still the presumptive winner.

6 Kathrine: I too padded the vote (angie, stealing my voting practices) for you. The judges went overboard. Yeah… there were probably 10 other songs you should have chosen. History says that ANY time you do a whitney song for Randy and Simon they will shoot you down. Especially Randy. He must have been her dealer at some point… However, I thought you sang it well. Its one of my favorite songs and I thought you did it justice. There weren’t pitch problems at all. Meanies…

Oh yeah… and thank you heaven for DOUBLE SIDED TAPE!!! Kathrine, will you marry me, still???

American Idol – Top 7 Reviews

Tonight’s idol was MUCH MUCH better than the past few boring weeks. Thank goodness we got some classics to sing!

My order:
#1 Kathrine – I’m sticking with you babe. I loved the song (cuz I’m a sucker for gershwin), but above and beyond the voice, I see more potential for you in the biz than Kellie. Who’s going to protect her, Grandpa? You’ve paid your dues, you’ve worked hard, and your a little rich girl from LA… what more does america want? Will you marry me? (and be baptized?)

#2 Chris – wow. Excellent. I think this one may be the one that takes him through the finish line. To the skeptics like me, he has proven he can do more besides scream his chords off.

#3 Paris – Your career has already started. Like I said last week, stop reinventing yourself and go with your strengths. Your sultry Billy Holiday voice will sell millions. Niche markets are money… just like Charlotte Church, who sang out of her demographic…

#4 – Taylor. You’re there. You’re doing ok. I like the soul patrol. I like Ray Charles. Its just that you aren’t black, and you are becoming more distant. You won’t make the top 3. Sorry, start making your record deals now while you still have nat’l coverage.

#5 – Elliot. I loved it man. I loved the way you shook off the nerves tonight and left it all on the stage. I’ll be sad to see you go… if not this week, then next, but probably this week. As if you didn’t have enough challenges with your funny mouth, your diseases, and your squinty eye, Simon just has to seal your doom with his comments. Its ok buddy, just too little too late. La Chaim!

#6 – Kellie. Sorry to put you here tonight, but I don’t like you terribly (mostly because your a moron) and your song sucked. It’s that point of the competition where good people will go every week now. You are totally safe though, so count your blessings… all 10 million country fans out there watching the show. Especially with Bucky’s votes going to you this week, you’re ultra safe.

#7 – Ace. Why are you still here? I told you to leave the show weeks ago. Listen to me for I am wise. You suck. You are a face. Go away. I hate your ugly long hair. I love the fact that you weren’t an abercrombie poster child for once tonight. Hopefully your friends will think you’ve cheated on them and will spite you by not voting… or hopefully there is a nationwide phone outage at Gay bars.

The way the voting will REALLY go: (top to bottom)
Chris, Kellie, Paris, Kathrine, Taylor, Ace, Elliot

Rationale: Next one to go is a guy. Statistically it should be Ace, but after Simon’s comments tonight and Elliot’s appearance in the bottom 3 last week, my gut says he’s gone. However, could Elliot’s appearance in the bottom 3 have been enough to mobilize his base to put him into the #6 spot?

Kellie has all the country vote, Paris has all the black vote, and Kathrine has all the rest of the girl/guys voting for her. The girls are safe. They are diverse enough. It will come down to a fight between Kellie and Kathrine. Will stupid southern belle beat out classy western prep snob?

“Can anyone beat Chris?” is the question everyone is asking right now. So far he is still the clear favorite. He has the all-american idol story. He works hard and is a much serious rocker that Bo Bice (give me a break). AI fans want something harder, and he has the perfect Fantasia-like story with a great talent.

American Idol – Top 8 Reviews

Let me first apologize for not writing my AI epistle before the vote off tonight. I was in whacko texas seeing Tony, my friend.

This week was MUCH better than country week. Everyone seemed to be a little more into it.

I’m going to start with Chris: Chris, you have to start picking songs that get people out of their chairs. You could KILL in this competition and you’re just waffling along. I get you want to be different and do your alternative thing. The fact is, and Simon keeps saying it, you are getting indulgent; picking songs YOU think you like and YOU think you sound good on. Come on: the Korn thing? The wacky country whatever that was last week? It all started after you sang your little version of Walk the Line and now you think suddenly you’re mozart or something. Careful buddy… or Paris, Kellie, or Kathrine will mop the floor with your bald head in the final round.

Taylor… yeah you did your awkward dancing again, but I still am not feeling you 100%. Two weeks ago I feel like your heart left the competition. Where are you buddy. Give us Ray Charles.

Ace. Go home. You were embarassed by QUEEN on national television when you wanted to turn “WE WILL ROCK YOU” into some kind of backstreet boys weenie boy suggestion. You know you’re out of your league when someone says, “I’m not letting you do that to my song” You really deserved to go this week. At least Bucky wasn’t an embarrassment to his family and hometown and all that is right and good with sports arenas aroudn the WORLD!

Paris. I loved your song, I love your voice… and I think you’re a freak. You are schitzophrenic. I dont’ mind you showing a different “look” every week. But you are REINVENTING yourself every week and we don’t know who you are. We’ve seen everything from Beyonce to SmartNSassy to Queen of the Undead.

Elliot. I wince when I see you perform. Then i watch it back and enjoy your vocal. Then when you got sprung on to sing and didn’t know what it woudl be tonight, you sounded GOLDEN. You’re nerves are killing you. Get a grip on the nerves, the vibrato, and give me an undeniable reason to love your voice and you will go much further cuz everyone loves your personality.

Kathrine: You are pulling in the lead as my favorite. You’re cute, smart (unlike pickle-what?), and can really really sing. You challenge yourself more than the other girls, are more versitile than the other girls, and you have real training in these vocal styles. You keep doing better and you’ll have a chance to be in the finals with Chris.

Bucky. Sionara. I didn’t want you to last this long, but you did, and now old whichahachi north whatever will have something else to be proud of other than its closed down race track. You’ll be singing in the 3 b’s for the rest of your life: bars, baptisms and bar-mitzvas.

Kellie – what can I say… you are a retard. May the south live on… i don’t find you hideous to look at or listen to, but I don’t like you either and don’t want you to win this competition.

Thats the wrap up friends. Til next week… here are my picks:

Final 2
1. Chris
2. Kathrine

Next to leave: ACE ACE, please please let it be ACE!!

Next week: Sting – please please someone sing Fields of Gold.

American Idol – Top 9 Reviews

here is how it will go down:

Ace is off. He is statistically the one with the greatest chance, having been in the bottom three three or four times now. I am sick of his “put on”-ness like the rest of america. He is good looking and he knows it, and he hopes it will keep him on the radar.

There was such a huge gasp and shock last week when Katherine was in the bottom 3 that her base is mobilized and she did a great job yesterday. She is safe this week. On a side note, she is pulling ahead as one of my favorites. She has been consistent and has stood up in more genres than many of the other contestants.

That being said, you only have to be good in one genre to be a superstar, so Chris is still in the lead and safe this week. He even proved that he could convincingly sing a love song this week which will further energize his base.

Kellie is safe. She was the only one to really shine in the country thing, despite just an all right song choice.

Bucky… I don’t know. He had a chance tongiht to make a case for his staying here. I think he’s in the bottom 3 tongiht. America saw how poorly he did what he supposedly does best, so he’s in the bottom 3.

Taylor and Mandisa… both niche singers… both totally out of their element tongiht. Mandisa was my underdog favorite ever since she sat in the chair and forgave Simon and preached him the word. However, my impressed-ness of her blowing my hair back with her enormous pipes (and hips) is starting to wear off. She needs to show that she has money somewhere else than in her high screamy Jesus lovin’ notes.

Taylor sounded sick to me. He approached the song with no excitement, energy, and wreckless abandon as he ususally does. He was holding back for soem reason. I think they are safe by virtue of their HUGE fan base.

I think america is getting sick of Paris. She is one of my early favorites (from the audition cities) but her childish antics, her constantly changing style (although it is good style), her little chicken little dance, her bawling every time a contestant is voted off, and her guaranteed career based on her family connections have all convinced me that she is NOT the right winner for this competition. She’s still too young to handle a superstar music career. She will be off before the top 5.

Elliot is growing on me. Yeah he can sing OK. I’ve never been uber-impressed by his voice, but what is impressing me is that he can sing in all of the genres they are throwing at him. He is making good song choices, he is real and a great guy. Teeth aside, I’d like him to stay for a while.

So my bottom 3… Ace, Bucky, Paris. Sionara suckers!

Note to AI producers: COUNTRY!?!?!?!?! Give me a break! If we wanted to hear country singers we would turn on Nashville Star. This is american IDOL! We are looking for a pop star. Simon hates country, I hate country, and so should you!

Next 9 weeks:
1. Ace
2. Bucky
3. Paris
4. Elliot
5. Kellie (she may last longer as all of bucky’s votes will go to her)
6. Mandisa
7. Taylor (will not last this long if he doesn’t remind us why we love him)
8. Kathrine (I think america, starting this week, will start noticing her more)
9. Chris (the clear winner, as of right now)