Top 9 Reviewed

ss_060305_oscar_redcarpet_04widec.jpgWhat can you say about Dolly Parton?

I think Brooke White summed it up: Dolly Parton is this “tiny woman” who is just… … … “huge.”

And she is. Every once in a while I had to pause it just to make sure she wasn’t ‘resting’ on the piano. (she must have the world’s strongest back)

In today’s reviews, I have taken the creative liberty of offering some book deals to the contestants. We’ll see if I am contacted about any of them.

And now for the reviews:


Future Book Deal (FBD): “How to Go from Top Tier to Average in only 3 weeks!” by Brooke White

I was really hoping for Brooke tonight. She has had a few rough weeks in a row. And I was pretty excited to see mr exciting ‘sit on my drum’ guy who did Cherry Tree with Katherine McPhee a couple of years ago…

Unfortunately it was just so so. Average. Ho-hum. Poor Jolene just got super boring.

Scripture chase anyone?

… And of course, more of the incessant thanking of the people. Tamara put it best, “Ryan’s talking… stop thanking people!”

David Cook

FBD: “101 ways to sweep your bangs” by David Cook

Wow. This was stellar. This had everything Brooke’s lacked. It was exciting, fresh, current. David’s voice is something I would expect to enjoy on the radio.

HOWEVER – he’s enjoying this celebrity thing a little too much. You can tell by his hair. It’s just getting sillier and sillier each week. (I can spot a red headed bottle job at 25 yards)


FBD: “How to Stay in a Talent Competition With No Talent” by Ramiele Malubay

“Precious” “Little” “Lovely” – All words that describe Ramiele Dolly Parton

I have a new theory about Ramiele. She was born in Saudi Arabia, you know, so I know there is some Saudi Oil Baron-Emir somewhere who has threatened to destroy American Idol if she leaves the show. So the producers are forcing the judges to say good things about her, and plug their ears at the HORRID notes she is screeching out from week to week. Come on America! Rise up and get this chick off the show, PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!

(Sadly, her song wasn’t even 1/2 as bad as last week’s, but the reviews were the same.)


FBD: “Grease Me Up; 17 steps to Caring for your Dreads” by Jason Castro

EWWWW… Dolly touched his Dreadlocks… EWWW… those must be so greasy and gross.

I’m going to say I like Jason this week. He really turned it on, much better than last week. He has a really nice, unique sound. The Peanut Gallery I was with thought he pushed it too hard, which might be like 46% true, but still… I think he was fighting to stay in it!

We do have to talk about his gender issues, though. It was hard to catch, but he did a man curtsie when Ryan came back onstage. He also wore a bedazzled smock shirt thing and bootcut-midrise jeans… I’m just saying… I know those Elves (legolas) are all ambigiously metro, but come on! The world only has room for one Danny Noriega!


FBD: “101 Reasons Why I Love My Ugly Tats” by Carly Smithson

It was just all right for me, nothing special. I couldn’t agree more with Simon than with the clothing comment. It kind of looks like she is dressing by some awful Wheel of Fortune.

David A

FBD: “How to Make Old Ladies Cry Their Fake Eyelashes Off” by David Archuleta

“I’m just trying to keep these false eyelashes in place,” says Dolly.

After a a few shaky weeks, David goes and pulls all our hearts out of our chests. He absolutely KILLED another song! All I can say is, Archuleta All The Way!

[flashvideo filename=video/top9-archuleta.flv /]

Oh yeah, and nice “aura.” (as Paula perceived)

Kristy Lee

FBD: “Lemons into Lemonade: Getting By On Negative Comments” by Kristy Lee Cook

Another relatively awful week for Kristy, the one who should have been off of this show weeks ago (with Ramiele). This was supposed to be her week to shine, and yet she pulls off another forgettable, lackluster performance.

And despite what Paula says, I thought the dress was absolutely hideous.

Because some of you might have not understood some of the southern lingo in the song, I will translate:

“Coat of Many Colors My Momma Made for Me” = nasty hand-me-down prom dress with puffy sleeves that you had to wear cause you couldn’t get up to the big city to find another one.

“Britches” = Any article of clothing with holes in it.

“Momma”= The one who yells at you the most.

“Wheelhouse” = Not a freakin’ clue.

And last SIDENOTE: Ryan spotted a french manicure on Kristy Lee from a mile away… COULD THIS MAN BE ANY MORE METROSEXUAL!!! I know things about things, but I couldn’t tell you a french manicure from a vietnamese one…

I’m pretty sure he gets a corner of his Totin’ Chip torn off for that.


(this is the second week MAH WOOOMAN has sang a song dedicated to WhiteEyebrows… thank you!!!)

The song; not bad at all – quite good, but you will never sing it like Whitney. After 7 years of AI can we all please get that written on a big cue card to hold up. Don’t do it. Don’t try it.

Other than that, I will just add that tonight was perhaps the worst hair night Syesha has ever had on the show… As TLB said, “It’s gonna take a month to get a brush through that!”

FBD: “Recovering from a Bad Hair Day on National TV” by Syesha Mercado

Michael Johns

FBD: “3 Keys to Over Promising and Under Delivering” by Michael Johns

OoooooooK. WhiteEyebrows here to have a little ‘come to Jesus’ with my readers. I have to confess, I have had it in for Michael Johns from the start. I never liked him. I thought he was a pretentious, one dimensional performer who had nothing real to offer to the music industry. I found him very copycat, very unoriginal, and mildly talented in this pool of great singers.

But tonight, he proved me wrong. His interpretation tonight was amazing. It boosted him from bottom tier to top tier this week. It only got better after I watched it again, too. Bad news for me. Please, please biff it next week so that I don’t have to eat my words. (And that’s what it will take – he’ll have to have solid weeks from here on out to even come close to competing with the Davids)

But just for tonight… I thought he deserved a video…

[flashvideo filename=video/top9-michaeljohns.flv /]

One small critique – don’t scowl so much while you sing. It will cause fine lines and wrinkles later in life.

Oh, and Jordan pointed out that he REALLY needed to lose the tie. He looked like Fred from Scooby-Doo… just saying…


So here is my top 9 rankings for this evening:

  1. David A
  2. David C
  3. Michael
  4. Jason
  5. Syesha
  6. Brooke
  7. Carly
  8. Kristy
  9. Ramiele

Thanks for reading!

12 thoughts on “Top 9 Reviewed”

  1. Dolly Parton has repeatedly said that she always wanted to look like the hookers
    in her town, because she thought they were pretty. So . . . she decided that
    was going to be her “look.” Her dedication to the having big boobs is so strong
    that I’m positive she lifts weights in order to commit to her image.

    Oh, and you “know things about things,” huh? Vague things? Specific things?
    What kind of things? But you’re right–why is Ryan stating on national
    television that a girl’s French pedicure is nice? Gee. Oh, and they’re all
    Vietnamese pedicures, whether you call them French or not. Know what I mean?
    Hum . . . probably not. 😉

    I’m just sayin’ . . .

  2. Ok let me commence (sorry, you don’t HAVE to read)

    One. I don’t know why, but I love Ryan Seacrest. I think he is fun, and nice, and interesting, and I think it takes a certain person to keep everything together on a show like this with people coming and going and judges with mega-attitudes and etc.

    Two. Hubby’s out of town (getting a major award thank you very much) so no hubby comments, but he was interested to hear on the phone how it went. When I said Syesha had sung “I will always love you” he said, oh they didn’t have to sing her songs? I explained that it was a song Dolly had written and we talked about how she is a very prolific song writer and it made me think about how very talented she is. Also, did anyone else rewind to juxtapose the picture of her on the old album they showed and then flashed to her now a days. Wow that is SOME plastic surgery she has undergone. However, she is so sweet and kind that you can’t help but like her.


    Brooke – Well, I actually liked it more than the judges and W.E. I wasn’t very familiar with the song so maybe that’s what sucked me in the song more than Brooke. I still love her! In response to the scripture chase allusion…. I guess you Texans are out of the loop, but it was in the paper and on the radio yesterday that Donny Osmond has contacted David A and his dad. He encouraged him and told him to enjoy his 15 minutes of fame etc. So Donny may want to joint the chase… also Marie, now that she and her Bipolar-ism has dumped her , what 3rd eternal companion, has time to chase as well.

    David Cook – Well,can I just say that David Cook looked so great. His hair cut is an improvement. He is just wonderful. what more can be said?

    Ramiele- it’s just not worth talking about anymore between annoying, obnoxious, awful hair, terrible clothing and bad singing why do we have her on anymore?

    Jason – I liked it a lot better than the judges. I am worried they are just going a bit sour on him. He’s still good, and thoough we all wish the dreds would go… sorry to the cultural poeple out there, but its just not a neat and clean look. yuck

    Carly – Finally a judgement that I can really agree with. She was not good on the singing yuck. But Simon hit the nail on the head finally with what we have all been complaining about since day one SHE LOOKS AWFUL. Carly looked so so surprised. She was just shocked that Simon said something, but it was so so so so so true. Her leggings made her thighs look huge, and how many sleeved shirts has she worn? I can only think of one. She believes her arms look great. And her hair, I think it is a dye job, not actually oil, but it looks so much like SEVERUS SNAPE of harry potter. It is greasy and black and just hangs there in wierd ways. Simon said it, she just isn’t evolving, looks wise, into anything star like or beautiful. She is not great not wonderful and not pretty. Sorry.

    David A – who doens’t love him? Hubby said that he heard on the radio (yes it snowed here Monday during the morning commute and he was on the freeway for an hour and a half!) that “Vegas Odds” are heavily favoring David A. Pretty much for the same reason, he is so talented, and everyone just likes him. He is so likeable and he keeps having weeks like this where he just kills it.

    Kristy Lee – She looked gorgeous, what is wrong with you W.E.? I thought she was beautiful and the song was better than you all are giving her credit for.

    Syesha – I am sorry, but it was just not smart. I mean who can ever compare with one of the greatest songs put down on tape? And the hair it was bad, you are write W.E. and company.

    Michael Johns – see W.E. maybe there’s hope for him!

    Again, please everyone unite in hopes that Ramiele goes home.

    I am thinking of strategies to come out to the big show in May… now it involves bringing the little ones out with me. Would we live through that?


  3. I just love Dolly Parton! She has the cutest personality! My fave quote of hers goes something like, “You’ve gotta spend a lot of money to look this cheap.” LOVE her!

  4. OK all I have to say is this: I checked “Vote for the Worst” and they are championing Kristy Lee Cook. That can only mean America has A LOT of explaining to do when it comes to why Ramielle is still permitted on stage. FOR THE LOVE! I thought it was at least a conspiratorial plot! But no…alas…Americans just have really really REALLY bad taste.

  5. So after reading your post today, I realized that I had Whitney’s “The Greatest Love Of All” in
    my head. It drove me nuts! I don’t know what song your woooooman sang but that is the one that
    got subconciously planted in my head.
    And I double dog dare you to name your first daughter Maeby and/or Shanaynay. In fact, I triple
    dog dare you!

  6. Ranking last night’s performances, I’d have to say it looks like this:

    1. Archuleta
    2. (tie) Cook and Johns
    3. Jason
    4. Brooke
    5. Syesha
    6. Carly
    7. Kristy
    8. Ramiele

    Overall, here is my current leaderboard:

    1. Cook
    2. Archuleta
    3. Brooke
    4. Johns
    5. Syesha
    6. Carly
    7. Jason
    8. Kristy
    9. Ramiele

    I triple dog dare you to name your first kid Ramiele!

  7. Archuleta rocked. And glowed apparently too.

    I have to say Kristy made me want to puke. Don’t you DARE get on national TV and say that you completely connect with Dolly’s “Coat of Many Colors”. On what planet does ANYONE of the current generation totally understand the poverty Dolly grew up in in depression era appalachia. POR FAVOR??!!! I thought it was tres insincere. And made listening to the most vocally unchallenging song on the night even worse. And now to complete my multilingual comment I shall use Christian speak from Project Runway: “Carly needs to stop dressing like a Hot Tranny Mess.”

  8. Why am I so annoyed by this competition this year? Let’s just crown a winner and get on with our lives. Let’s just let the Davids battle it out in a round of rock, paper, scissors, and call it a night.

    Final question:

    Wht is it that American Idol has been on for 7 seasons and there are still contestants that somehow think they are the ones that the judges will praise for singing a Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, etc. song. People, it’s just not going to happen. I don’t get it!

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